The Delusion of 'I, Me, and My' ~ Why We are So 'Self' Centered

We talked about this common trap in last night's Weekly Meditation discussion.

Those in Monday evening’s meditation session discussed our fascination with the ‘I, Me, and My’ delusion.

I shared this:

Waking up fully is a daily moment-by-moment practice. There is no Santa moment when we’re rewarded with the shiny bauble of enlightenment from another dimension or a higher being. When we consider it carefully, seeking enlightenment is yet another form of attachment or clinging — wanting things to be different than they are.

We all want to awaken fully and experience enlightenment (when all suffering ceases). Because we’re conditioned from birth, at least in the West, to focus on our perceived identity (who I am, what I like, what I own, etc.), most of us assume ourselves to be distinct beings.

We use language such as:

• I want to be a better meditator. 🧘🏼‍♂️

• I want to become thinner, richer, and enlightened. 💬

• I want more money and a better job. 💰

• I want to be more loved. 👩🏽‍❤️‍👨🏼

• That car is mine. 🚗

• That toy isn’t yours. 🧸

We think of these self-centered thoughts all the time. We can’t help it… or can we?

It’s natural to seek a better life experience, but we are still clinging to a version of reality that’s different from what it is.

Yet birds do not seek the sky, and fish do not seek the water. 🕊️🐠

No, of course not.

However, becoming overly attached to any anticipated outcome that is different from what currently exists remains a form of clinging. The Buddha taught that clinging to what isn’t reality is the root of our suffering/dissatisfaction.

So, where does that leave us? What can we do about it?

Because our attachment-focused behavior is rooted in a false sense of an enduring “self,” we lapse into a communication style that uses “I, Me, and My” statements to describe what we want.

There is nothing inherently unwise about desiring to better one’s life experience. However, we can take care to notice how often we use these statements to reinforce this false identification.

A path forward

Last night, I challenged those present to start noticing how often their/our thoughts, statements, and actions are 'self-centered'. We’re not talking about self-centeredness in a selfish way, but how we self-identify as separate beings.

• “I need to make my bed.” 🛏️

• “I want butter chicken for my dinner tonight.” 😋

• “I want to become enlightened.” 💡💡

• “I deserve a better job.” 👷🏼‍♂️

Just notice when it happens. There is no need to judge or punish yourself for this—simply acknowledge it and move on. After all, some reference to ourselves is perfectly normal.

Noticing our self-centered thinking is one of the first steps to breaking our habituation of attachment and clinging, decreasing our suffering/dissatisfaction.

🙏🏼🩶

On Seeking Enlightenment…and Practice as a 24/7 Activity

Three Excerpts from Joko Beck’s ‘Everyday Zen,’ and some commentary.

I recall the first time I read a similar thought in one of Roshi Steve Hagen’s books that profoundly shaped my love for the Dharma and affinity with the Zen tradition. Just as birds do not seek the sky, and fish do not seek the water, all of our seeking is in vane.

My seeking behavior (even seeking enlightenment/full awakening) is another form of attachment to something outside of myself. The Buddha taught that I am already complete, and as Shunryu Suzuki Roshi characterized it, I still need a little improvement.

However, seeking awakening or enlightenment is the same as adding something else on top of what I already am. If I am complete already, then, as Charlotte Joko Beck writes, dropping my seeking behavior and all other forms of attachment, helps me uncover the enlightenment within.

Sitting zazen (sitting meditation) in order to achieve anything —inner peace, less stress, insights— is a fallacy. We may experience any or all of these when sitting, but it isn’t a transactional practice.

This is an important distinction — we sit not to achieve anything — but we sit as an act of rebellion against our habitual reactivity and confusion-prone thinking, and in dedication to opening up completely and finding what is deep within already.

My next tattoo will be these words: “life is practice, practice is life.”

For me, this perfectly summarizes my experience and what Joko Beck is urging in the excerpt above. Regardless of the traditions I follow or adopt (or blend), what I learn from my practice on the cushion shows up off the cushion every single day.

But, it’s not automatic. I must work to apply what I learn from my sitting to my everyday life experiences.

In my experience, when a driver distracted by a child or their phone cuts me off in traffic, when the person ahead of me in the grocery checkout line insists on reviewing the receipt before leaving, when the teenager who hurls an insult out of a passing car just because he can, etc., these are the situations that invite me to apply what I leaned from my formal practice to real life situations and experiences off the cushion.